A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock…”

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,

“When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech
At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re gong to tell me that grown-ups don’t get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

This guy goes to a pet store to buy a parrot so the salesman shows him the most expensive one. He tells him how the parrot can speak 5 different languages.

The guy decides that it’s to much money and asks what other parrots he has.

So the salesman shows him another parrot but informs him that all he can say is “who is it”

“Fuck thats ok ” says the guy. So he pays the money and leaves with the cheapest parrot.

The next day he left for work and the parrot was alone in the apartment. The parrot heard a knock on the door and said “who is it”

Guy at door: It’s the local plumber the superintendent sent me over.

Parrot: who is it?

Guy at door: It’s the local plumber. The building superintendent sent me to look at your pipes.

Parrot: who is it?

Guy at door: (yelling) It’s the plumber! Open the door please!

Parrot: Who is it?

Guy at door: I’m a fucking plumber! I’m here to fix your goddamn pipes!

Parrot: Who is it?

Just then the plumber lost his temper so he started banging and kicking at the door until he got it open. The door flew open he stomped inside screaming and yelling. Just then he started to have a heart attack and fell down and died right on the floor.

The guy who lived there came home after work and said.

“holy shit! who is it?”

Parrot: It’s the plumber the superintendent sent over. He’s here to fix the pipes.

This little kid brought his report card home to his mom and said mom sign this will you.
The mother said why should I sign this its a failing report card.

The boy said well if you look at whats stapled to it you’ll see a pic of you and uncle John.

His mom signed it right away!

These two nuns had snuck out of the convent late one night and accidentally got locked out.

They didn’t know what to do so they decided to scale a brick wall to get back in.

When they got halfway up the wall one of them said I feel like a commando.
Not now said the other we need to get back inside.

This priest was looking for ways to raise money for his church and someone told him that there was a fortune in horse racing.

So he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction he found out the going price for horses was very high so he ended up buying a donkey instead.

At this point he thought what did he have to lose so he went ahead and entered it into the races. He was totally shocked when the donkey came in third place!

The next day the local paper carried the headline: PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.

The priest was so happy with third place that he entered the donkey in the race again, and this time it actually won.
The paper read: PRIEST’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

By now the Bishop was so upset with language in the paper that he ordered the priest never to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PRIEST’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.
The priest gave it to a nun in a convent close by.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

At this the Bishop fainted.
As son as he awoke the Bishop ordered the nun to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a local farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.00. The Bishop couldn’t take it anymore, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

These two teenage guys with really long hair and wearing comic t-shirts were walking down the street one day when they saw this little nun trying really hard to get across the street.

They ran over to her and each one picked her up by one arm and carried her over to the other side of the street.
Why thank you boys you’re very helpful.

The first guy looks at her and says. We don’t give a shit any friend of batman is a friend of ours.

This little kid went to school one day and halfway through class he just started bawling.
The teacher stopped and asked him why he was crying.

He said his mom and dad were dead and up in heaven with god.

Oh my God the teacher said. When did that happen?

Well this morning I had to go back home to get a book I forgot and I heard some awful moaning and screaming in the bedroom, then my mom shrieked and yelled “oh god I’m coming” then my dad yelled “I’m coming too”

This drunk guy goes up to his wife and grabs her ass and tits and gives her a big kiss on the back of the neck.
Just then she turned around and he saw that it wasn’t his wife at all.

He stumbled back and said oh I’m so sorry miss I thought you were my wife.

She looked at him and said “you stupid drunk fucker“.
You see he said you even sound like my wife.

This Guy was out drinking all night and was really hungry for some breakfast.

He could only find one place open so he goes in and orders some bacon and a cheese omelet. The waitress takes his order and goes back to the kitchen but the cook says he’s all out of cheese except for this last bit but it’s all old and moldy.

The waitress says oh fuck it he’s so pissed drunk he won’t know the difference anyway just use that cheese.
So he cooks it up and she takes the food to the drunks table. She stands back and watches him scarf down the meal like it was the first time he ate in 3 days or something.

After he was done the waitress went over to take his plate away and the drunk asks. Excuse me but are these eggs fresh? Waitress says yes sir we have a chicken coop in the back and they lay them every morning. Ah ha. Says the drunk I thought so. And your rooster is okay is he? Well we don’t have a rooster she says.
Ah ha I knew it!
You better block off access to your coop then because there is a skunk getting in and he’s fucking your chickens.